| Twinkle of the Stars, Little Stars, Shining Stars |
[entries|friends|calendar] |
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| I am 88% cute! :D |
[21 Jan 2011|02:00am] |
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Appearance:
[ ] = You have blue/green eyes
[x] = You blush a lot
[x] = You giggle
[x] = You're quiet
[x] = You say random silly things
[x] = You have a baby face
[] = You wear a more down to earth style of clothing
[ ] = You don't wear halter tops or anything too showy
[x] = You're under 5 feet 6 inches tall
TOTAL SO FAR: 6 Innocence:
[X] = You're a virgin
[x] = Just thinking of sexual things makes you blush
[x] = Your idea of a date is really romantic
[x] = You sleep with a stuffed animal
[x] = You like to cuddle
[X] = You've never played the Nervous game
[x] = You don't even know what the nervous game is
TOTAL SO FAR: 13 Colors:
[x] = You like the color pink
[x] = You tend to wear bright/girly colors TOTAL SO FAR: 15 Personality:
[X] = You can be ignorant/oblivious
[X] = You'd consider yourself shy
[X] = You like happy upbeat music
[x] = You like "Cutesy" music
TOTAL SO FAR: 19 What YOU think is cute:
[X] = You like small animals
[x] = You like babies a lot.
[x] = Small/mini versions of things make you go "Awww <3"
TOTAL: 22 Multiply how many you got by 4 Repost as: "I'm % Cute"
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| yay!♥ |
[04 Dec 2010|10:29pm] |
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Kiana.
20 y.o.
A resident of Wisconsin.
Employed in retail.
Going to school for Pyschology.
Christian.
And TAKEN as of 12/03/10.
Finally.♥
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I am:
Opinionated, girly, sarcastic, emo, giggly, goofy, easily bored, easily annoyed, open-minded, curious.
I like:
Family, friends, ruudii♥, anime, manga, photography, Japan, eating, sleeping, laughing, shopping, pink, video games, writing, music, cute stuff, fashion.
I dislike:
Most people, cold weather, not being taken seriously, swearing, rudeness, bugs.
I have:
God, family, friends, ruudii, a job, a home, dignity, a soul, a heart, a mind, life.
I want:
To be happy. So therefore, I will continue onward with the pursuit.<3
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| Hisashiburi, folks! :3 |
[05 Oct 2010|03:09am] |
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My, oh my! It's been a while.
I'm a little sad that I've abandoned this blog...the blog that has been so close to me every since the tender age of sweet sixteen.
But alas..life goes on. And it makes you busy as EVER!!
So in short, here is all that's been going on:
-I'm still at my same place of employment (although I am no longer happy working there, but ah well...it's a paycheck xD)
-I am trying to go to college now (finally! xD)
-My sister and her husband had a baby (this past monday actually! xD)
-I took a road trip from Milwaukee to Atlanta in July , and got to eat at Gladys Knight's restaurant in ATL (my first road trip in almost 10 years!)
-In June, celebrated my 20th birthday at a gourmet Japanese restaurant here in Milwaukee, and spent the day in Chicago at the Hello Kitty Store xD
-Ichigo Kurimu and I parted ways. However we still work together. Grrrr~~~ T__T And so, my biggest fear had come true.
-I met someone knew, and of course...new feelings are involved. (oooh, juicy! xD)
LOL haha =p Yup...that is pretty much the most of it.
A bunch of other stuff has gone on too, but these are the 'major points' I suppose. =p
As far as my job...my job is a job in retail. Retail is VEEERRRY demanding. >_< I have a lot of wonderful memories at the place I am at, and I've met people there that I am sure I'll never forget. But as of lately, I've been soo unhappy there. Between rude shoppers, horrible managers and working hard labor for only chump change and coming home each night feeling defeated and unaccomplised...I had a SERIOUS epiphany! The job market now is horrible, but if I decide to go to school financial aid will be a big help. But all I know is that I cannot stay at this place forever...I don't even see how some have been there for over 25 years! =o
As far as Ichigo Kurimu, the man that was mentioned in quite a few of my previous entries...we had some wonderful memories together but after 7 months of me basically just waiting on him, I finally decided to let him go....and it was one of the most difficult decisions I'd ever had to make in my life. Unfortunately though, because of the circumstances he left me no choice but to do so, because I never wanted to. He did something at the workplace that was completely unacceptable, and ultimately ended up humiliating me in front of everyone. I'd already had my issues with him, but that was the straw that broke the camel's back. For privacy reasons I will not mention what he did, but all I'll say is that it nearly shattered my heart to pieces and to this day I still can't understand how I was so dumb that I didn't even see any of it. But in the words of an old Japanese proverb, "Man in love will mistake a pimple for a dimple."
We never became official, but since the first day I saw him I knew I wanted to be with him forever. It was that kind of chemistry..but I guess I was the only one who felt it. And I tried to make that happen...I believed in him, trusted him, told him things I'd never told anyone, forgave him, nearly fell in love with him. But the worst pain in the world is to care deeply for someone who cares absolutely nothing at all about you.
The way I felt about him was much stronger than how I felt about Su Chiang or anyone else. It wasn't love, but it was the closest thing to love that I've ever experienced in my life. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever feel that way about someone again, and then sometimes I hope that I don't. Because I'm telling you, when you feel that way about someone and they don't feel the same...it hurts. It hurts sooo bad. =/
In his own way he tried to make amends, but he was too little too late. I want nothing to do with him now, because it's best that way. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss him. Regardless of all the horrible things he did, sometimes I still wonder if I made the right decision. I still have all his old text messages on my phone..still remember how we'd stay up all night on the phone every single night, how we went to olive garden and he payed for my meal, the time we spent the day together and he taught me how to play guitar a little, and I played a nintendo wii for the first time. Bittersweet memories is all that they are...
One day I remember I came into work, feeling low. He said a couple of his witty phrases, and I laughed..then out of nowhere for the first time, he pulled me close to him and held me.
I hadn't been held like that in so long...and being held by him was the best feeling in the world.
I only have a picture of two anime characters cuddled up against each other that he drew to remember him by now..an image that I'd always hoped would be he and I some day.
But that's life, though. It'll screw ya. That was that, and it's been put to the side now. I've begun to move on and do my own things now, and hopefully so will he.
Around the time I started going through stuff with Ichigo, I met someone else. I'll call him "Momo". LOL!xD
Anyway, I met momo online. I told myself that after Su Chiang there would be no more long distance/internet sh!t going on, but unlike Ichigo, Momo was the first guy that seemed to TRULY care for me. He was there for me a lot after the falling out between Ichigo and I, and he really helped me get through the hurt and the pain a lot.
On my 20th birthday, Momo and I met each other in Chicago. That was one of the happiest days I'd had in a VERY long time, and the first time I felt appreciated and cared for in a looong time. By then Ichigo and I had just went our seprate ways. Momo bought me a gift, we talked and laughed, and it was just amazing. While Momo had developed a crush on me since day one, I wasn't ready to do anything relationship related at all because I still needed to heal myself from what happened with Ichigo.
That was back in June.
As of recently, Momo and I have been talking about making it official. Between June and the present, I've developed strong feelings for him. I like him a LOT, he is the only man in my life to treat me with so much kindness. Turns out that I've been talking to him longer than I have with Ichigo. Although we've come close to making it official many times, there are still things holding us back. He wants to join the navy, which will put even more distance between us. I am not going to lie...as of lately I've been getting discouraged, as I am sure he is too. We as well have gone through our own share of issues with one another and it's not always sunshine and rainbows. But in this case, whatever will be will be. Regardless I don't think the situation between he and I will ever become bittersweet like it was with the last two.
Ohh yeah, and I almost forgot to mention this....Momo is black too. xD
Actually he is black, Native American and latino. Such a yummy mixture! xD
I hate to say this, but I don't have any hope or faith in me ever dating an Asian guy again.
To be honest, I gave up on that a long time ago and just decided to accept reality, which is that Asian men simply do not like/are not attracted to black women. Which is perfectly alright.
I am still attracted to them. Always have been, always will be. But if there are men who come along who aren't asian but treat me with love and respect, I am not going to wait around for a group of men who aren't paying me any attention anyway.
Maybe when asian men get with the times and stop limiting themselves or letting their parents and culture tell them how to live their lives, I'll be pro asian men/black woman again.
But as of now, I'm just neutral to all that.
I remember when I used to be so stoked when I'd see an asian guy and black woman together..
..now when or if I do, it's just 'whatever'. Doesn't excite me anymore. The novelty of it has worn off, I suppose.
*sigh* Ahh, yes. Life is interesting, isn't it? Seems like the more you live, the more you see and learn...and the more stuff you have to deal with. LOL....I'm just hoping and praying that all of this will be worth it in the end.
Ah well...I guess that'll be all for now. I'll be back again soon, hopefully! xD
-nanichan
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| Holding in my tears... |
[29 May 2010|01:03am] |
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So...I've been wanting to cry lately.
But Instead I just hold all my tears and sorrow inside.
Because I want to be stronger.
I know I'm human, but I don't want to be weak anymore.
Tomorrow I will be stronger than yesterday...
-Nanichan♥
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| Only to pass the time. =] |
[06 May 2010|09:59pm] |
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I don't know why I am always addicted to these things. =p
But I love doing them. Teehee! <3
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If an ex said they hated you, what would you say?
I don't care. ^_^
When was the last time you were drunk?
I've never been drunk a day in my life and don't ever plan on it.
Ever taken a picture kissing someone?
No.
Are you giving up on anyone/ anything?
I suppose I am.
Is there anyone you wouldn't mind punching at the moment?
There are very many people I wouldn't mind punching at the moment! xD
Could you ever be friends with the person who hurt you most in life?
No.
Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?
I've always wanted that in my life, but I guess fate says otherwise.
What's something new you recently learned about yourself?
Mmm...maybe that I am stronger than I realize.
Do your feelings get hurt easily?
Kinda sorta.
If you see a girl with big boobs, do you automatically think shes a slut?
No...some girls just have big boobs. LOL.
Why did you last cry?
Last night.
Would you want to know the date of your death?
Yes.
Have you ever suspected anyone of cheating on you?
No.
Would you prefer a baby girl or boy?
GIRL!
Are you feeling guilty about anything right now?
No.
Are you anyone's first love?
I doubt it.
Would you care if your best friend cheated on their boyfriend/girlfriend?
No....
Whats the last thing you lied about?
That I was feeling okay.
How old were you when you had your first relationship?
18.
What was on your mind mostly today?
My five day break from work!!!!
Are you in love with anyone at the moment?
No.
Have you ever been heartbroken?
Nearly.
Who is the last person you texted?
I haven't texted anyone in a long time.
Who do you trust with your life?
My mom.
Are you very family oriented?
I am!
Are you afraid of falling in love?
Kind of.
Isn't it annoying when an ex doesn't leave you alone?
YES!
Who's the last person you told I love you to?
....
Do you believe that it's best to have a friendship first and then love?
Yes.
Have you ever sent a text to the wrong person?
LOL yes it's so funny when I do.
Are you happy with your life right now?
It isn't the best but it could always be worse. =]
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| *sigh* There is always some drama that needs to be cleared up. |
[24 Apr 2010|09:34pm] |
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I'm pretty sure those of you who frequent my blog remember the controversy behind my "Asian men and the White Women they Adore" blog entry, correct?
Well that entry was put on private a long time ago, and will remain there for a while.
It was put on private for many different reasons:
A. - I started working, and since my identity is not private online I don't want what I type to affect my work or future career.
B. - Some of my feelings have changed.
Basically, I've pretty much gotten over the entire issue. I mean, don't get me wrong. Seeing an Asian guy with a white girl is always going to bother me because of the reasons mentioned in that blog. However, some of my viewpoints have changed and I find myself moving on to other things in my life. But even still, that is one viewpoint that will always be the same.
Every since I broke up with Su Chiang in 2008, I haven't found myself attracted to any Asian males. (besides celebrities) Now this could possibly be because I am not around them as much as before, but even still it's different.
After I wrote that blog, I got a job. When I arrived at that job I was sad, angry, lonely, bitter, confused, and hurting so much inside. I kept to myself because I was too afraid to let my gaurd down. I was too scared to just be myself...I just knew I wouldn't be accepted and I'd be shunned and ridiculed just as I was in high school.
But since this is a job in retail, it's difficult to just keep quiet all the time. Slowly I began opening up, and I realized that these people really did like me. I realized that I liked them. I realized that I could be myself around these people and it felt okay in natural. For the first time in my life I started getting invited to parties, outings, some even begging me to go. A major transition from high school, where I was never even noticed by anyone.
Then there was Ichigo. He has no clue about this, since I've never told him, but I had feelings for him waaaay back when I first started, when we were strangers and I barely even knew who he was. From the first day I saw him til this day today, I've had feelings for him. Even though he's done stuff that made me mad plenty of times, he's also done things for me that no guy had ever done before him. I'll be honest....I didn't have a good opinion on black males before I started there. I thought that they were all a certain way, and I had never even had a crush on one. Even in the midst of my attraction towards him, I was still extremely skeptical. But Ichigo helped me change my views drastically. He's totally opposite of all the stereotypes I've known about black men, and I adore him because of it. He is the first black guy in my life of which I have ever been crazy about. Even if he and I should stop talking altogether and totally drift apart, he still has made me realize that maybe black guys aren't as lame as I thought before. =]
Now I am still a misanthrope, mind you. But with a year of having worked at this job, I realized that it has changed me a lot. It might not be the best job in the world, and sometimes I really can't stand being there. But at the same time, I feel like I could've still been the same girl I was before if I hadn't met all these people who let me know that it was okay to be myself. Everyday I am growing and maturing, thankfully. =]
But sadly, some people aren't on the same growing path as I am. I suppose everyone must arrive at that road at their own time in their lives, but some should really arrive there as soon as they can.
One of my ex-online "friends" used to support that blog and a lot of other things about race that we'd discuss, and unfortunately after I discovered that my opinions were changing, she got upset and stopped talking to me, claiming I stabbed her in the back when I was only growing and maturing as I said before.
Now she writes angry and hateful blogs about me, which is a shame.
This woman is older than I am, yet I feel as if I am the older, wiser one here. She claims that she doesn't like people and doesn't want friends or anyone around her, yet she constantly makes blogs and forums and websites....if someone really doesn't like people that much, why do they make such an incredible effort to interact with them?
I am pretty sure that she does want friends and people to talk to, but what she doesn't realize is that you can't get that unless you trust someone. Her biggest issue is that she can't trust anyone and carries her past with her everywhere she goes. All it does is continue to make her miserable.
And as we all know, misery loves company and she is trying to make me feel miserable like she is by her slanderous blogs. That is the whole reason why she grew to hate me in the first place - - because some of my opinions changed meaning now she had no one to be miserable and unhappy with anymore. But I am way too strong to deal with weak stuff like that, as I have a much more enjoyable life than she does...seeing that I am no longer holding onto the past.
I still read her blogs because they're interesting - - interesting mainly because of the fact that one human can carry around enough baggage for 50. Her trust issues have led her to believe that I am going around telling others what she writes about in her blog, so naturally I felt compelled to write a response. This is what I sent her below:
"Alright. I just wanted to clear some things up.
Yes, I do still read your blogs and visit your youtube pages when I am bored or if I happen to be lead to them by accident. Just because you have something against me doesn't mean that you don't still make any good points in your blog that I agree with from time to time. Remember, I am not the one who turned on you, it's the other way around.
Secondly, I haven't told ANYone about ANYthing that you've written in your blogs and that is the truth. I honestly have no idea what you're talking about, so I suggest you check other sources. Most of the time I just skim through your blogs so I have no idea who you write about in the first place. Maybe you should've put them all on private to begin with, if people finding out what you write about them really bothered you this much. You are the one who is out trying to get revenge, because I honestly do not care. You hate me for no real reason, just because you have your own trust and insecurity issues. And yes, I have other things in my life to worry about.
I don't care what you do with the video, and I don't think you stole it either. The video and the message within it is yours. I've grown a lot since then and I've realized a lot since then, and I am not the same angry, bitter person that I was when I wrote that blog. So claim it as your own, because I am a different person now. I've gotten over it. Maybe you should, too.
But sadly you are still the same. Sadly, instead of bringing your issues to me, you write about it in your blog. You knew I'd read it. Why not just send it to me in the first place? Isn't that how this whole thing started to begin with? This is the internet...if you can write all this crazy stuff in your blog and not be worried then you should DEFINATELY be able to speak to me directly.
As I've said before, if you want to call me growing and seeing things from a different perspective as being a phony b*tch and backstabber, so be it. But I am allowed to have my opinions, and I am allowed to CHANGE my opinions and I shouldn't be called names just because I do. I refuse to let my past issues with race and people allow me to become bitter and hold hatred towards them. I am determined to not be in the same place that you are now when I reach your age. It's a dark place and I've already been there, and I don't want to go there ever again.
Don't be mistaken by that tracker of yours. I honestly don't care about how you feel about me or what you write in your blogs...you could post my picture all over the net and spread the nastiest rumors and I would not give a cent. I have very thick skin, and since you don't even have your facts straight there's really nothing for me to be upset about.
Maybe you should try letting go of that bitterness too. Why not write something positive in your blogs from time to time? Not everyone is out to get you like you think they are. I wasn't, but since you have so many issues with people, race and your past you wouldn't even be able to see it if someone really was your friend. You'd run them away before you got a chance. It's a horrible destiny you're placing on yourself, all because you choose to act like a victim. As humans, we've all been hurt, abused, scared, friendless, loveless, abandoned, lonely. But not all of us write angry, resentful blogs because of it. It's time to stop acting like a victim.
I know you don't care about what I have to say and hate my guts, but I don't let that stop me from giving advice to those who are troubled. Maybe it's time you let all of your past go and treat/approach people as if they had never hurt you in the first place. You'd be surprised how much of a weight would be lifted off your shoulders and there would be no need for blogs such as this one anymore.
I know what I'm saying will fall on deaf ears, and you're only gonna hear and believe what you want to hear and believe. But as I've said before, I've never had anything against you so I'd just like to let it be known that I am not the one ratting you out.
Best wishes in your pursuit.
-Kiana"
I guess it'll be I, Kiana, the peacemaker, once again. LOL.
As I've stated once before, drama is drama and I don't want it online or off, but unfortunately 'drama' is this girl's middle name - - if not her first.
But anyway, those are my thoughts as of recently.
I am on my way to becoming a new person in my life.
I am not always happy, and things aren't always how I want them to be.
I get miserable and lonely and I hurt inside just as everyone else does.
But one thing's for SURE - - the circumstances in my life are NEVER going to make me bitter.
That Kiana is gone and she will NEVER return again. EVER.
-Nanichan♥
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| Oooh it's surveyland. ^^ |
[21 Apr 2010|07:37pm] |
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Feeling thoughtful and I've got some time to spare. =p
lol I thought I'd post up a little survey now. I love doing these on myspace, but I've never put them on my blog, so....I guess I shall do so now! Enjoy. xDD
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Name:: Kiana, Nani-chan, Nacchi or Na-chan
Age:: Turning 20 in June
Gender:: Female
Height:: about 5'4''
Birthday:: 06-19-90
Hair Color:: Black
Eye Color:: Brown
Hometown:: A city far, far away :)
Describe yourself in one word:: Misunderstood
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.:School Life:.
What grade are you in:: I should actually be in college now...
What school do you go to:: Not in school currently
Do you get good grades:: Same as above
Favorite Subject:: Same as above
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.:Love Life:.
Sexual Preference:: Males only, please. =p
Do you have a bf/gf:: No
Do you have a crush on someone:: Yes
If so, what is their name:: Ichigo Kurimu!
Why do you like them:: He is smart, different and even a little nerdy xD
Do they know you:: Yes
Do they know that you like them:: They should by now
How long have you known them:: Almost about a year
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.:Favorites:.
Food:: Pasta, Sandwhiches, Dessert food, anything sweet, Corned beef
Person:: My mom
Number:: 10
Show:: Hmm....maybe Degrassi
Movie:: Way too many to list
Letter:: K
Song:: Right now it's "Give Me Up" by Tamaki Nami
Band/Singer:: Hamasaki Ayumi, Tsuyoshi Domoto, Straightener, Capsule, Asian Kung-fu Generation, etc.
Place in the world:: My house
Season:: Summertime!
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.:Your-:.
Dream Vacation:: Anywhere in Japan, but preferably Tokyo
Dream House:: Don't really have one
Dream Room:: My room is already perfect! <3
Location:: Home ^_^ -------------------------------
.:Last Time You:.
Watched T.V.:: A few hours ago
Ate:: A few hours ago
Slept:: Last night
Listened to music:: At work earlier
Used the phone:: At work earlier
IMed someone/Got an IM:: Months ago lol
Went to school:: Years ago
Played a game:: A few weeks back
Hugged someone:: Earlier today
Went on a date:: October 2009.
Wrote a letter:: Years!! ha....unless digital letters count.
Cried:: Few weeks ago
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.:Last Person You:.
Hugged:: Mom
Kissed:: No one
Laughed with:: Coworkers
Cried over:: No one really....
IMed/Got an IM from:: No one
Hurt:: No one I hope
Talked to:: Mom + coworkers
Spoke to on the phone:: Ichigo Kurimu
Ate with:: Family
Spent time with:: Family and coworkers
Saw:: Mom lol
Missed:: Mari-chan and Ichigo Kurimu
Heard:: ...the tv?
Played with:: Coworkers and mom lol
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.:Have You Ever:.
Been out of the country:: I wish!
Been out of state/province:: Yes
Done drugs:: No and never will
Drank alcohol:: No and never will
Done anything illegal:: Yes
Slapped someone:: Yes
Cut yourself:: I tried to once, but it actually was painful. lol...
Played an instrument:: Yes
Hurt someone for no reason:: No
Hurt someone:: Yes
Lied to your parents:: Yes
Stole Something:: Yes
Kissed Someone:: Yes
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.:This Or That:.
Rock or Rap:: Rock
Singing or Songwriting:: Songwriting
Tennis Shoes or Sandals:: Sandals
Phone or Computer:: Computer
Biking or Skating:: Biking
Analog or Digital:: Digital!
Coke or Pepsi:: ....cream, pineapple or strawberry soda or root beer?
Sprite or Sierra Mist:: Sprite
R&B or Country:: R&B
Cingular or T-Mobile:: T-Mobile
Cats or Dogs:: Dogs
AIM or Yahoo:: Yahoo
----------------------------------
.:Random Things:.
What color is your mouse pad:: It's a design of a picture that I drew in Kindergarten
What is on your mouse pad:: Same as above
What color is your keyboard:: Black
What is the phrase you use the most online:: LOL and OMG
What are you gonna do after this survey is over:: Go change out of my clothes lol
Do you like pop-up ads:: No
How long have you been online:: Too Long! =p
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| Trying to let go. Trying to escape from the past... |
[13 Apr 2010|04:23pm] |
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...but oh my, does it have a firm grip on me.
"..sometimes I wonder if being alone is my fate. It seems as if every guy I meet wants to screw me over in some way, shape or form. I''m so tired of it. All I want is for a guy to come into my life and treat me right. Men in my own family can't even do that. It's always me who's afraid of loosing someone. Me who gets attatched. Me who cares. Me who cries. Me who ends up getting strung along and hurt. Why can't someone be afraid of loosing me for a change?
It makes me feel so bad about myself sometimes. I don't know what I have to do for a guy to care for me. It seems like nothing I do works anyway. That's why I feel as if loneliness may be my fate, and as long as I continue to not accept it I'll always be in a state of misery. So I guess I should accept the hand I've been dealt, and just continue to live life this way, alone. God knows I'm tired of being hurt, and people for some reason like to hurt me. I'm so tired of it. If only I could numb myself forever, and never feel pain again...."
Some of you may not have known this, but I have a journal outside of this one as well. It's my own personal diary, that no one has read before besides me.
But lately as I've begun flipping through the pages, I felt as if certain old entries were beckoning to me.
For some reason I felt compelled to post them here.
That particular passage was originally written on December 17th, 2009.
Something had occured between me and the coworker of mine of which I like.
I will not put his real name here, but his alias is Jinsei 13.
I won't refer to him as that either, because I don't really want him or anyone else who knows/may have known him to be lead to this blog.
From now on, I will refer to him as "Ichigo". lol. =p
Anyway, that particular passage spoke to me, because lately I've been feeling like that all over again.
Recently another incident happened between Ichigo and I, and this time it was a bit more major.
He did something he shouldn't have done, I got all in my feelings.
I told him how I felt, later he apologized.
But we haven't really been speaking to each other since then.
He used to text and call often, now not so much.
Kinda avoids me while at work, it seems.
I know I shouldn't feel this way, since I wasn't in the wrong.
But....when I think over some of the things I said...regardless of the situation...maybe I was a little too harsh.
Maybe I gave the impression that he is nothing but an annoyance to me...which isn't true at all.
I knew his situation, but I was still so vocal..almost beating him up because of it.
Maybe I said some things that shouldn't have been said or that should've been said in a different way, but I can't take them back now.
No matter how many times I am hurt.......I can't stand the thought or possibility that I may have hurt someone else that I like or care for, even if those very same people have hurt me. =/
And of course with him being who he is...I'll never know if I hurt him or annoyed him because he will act as if everything is okay.
As if nothing bothers him...emotionless, almost.
I could always ask, but that would require having to bring up old news.
I hate conflict, I just want it all to be put to rest.
The thing is, we don't even have to be in a relationship.
(Although with all the stuff that's happened...it might as well have been a relationship this whole time... O_o)
As long as he respects me and doesn't lead me on, I am happy being his friend.
But something is telling me that he is the one who is done with me now.
Maybe I am the one who is an annoyance to him. =[
*sigh* If only I could numb myself...
Things like long conversations at night, the random things he'd say out of nowhere
Getting a text out of the blue, being tickled by him, his hugs...
I've found that I like that stuff. And I'd miss it terribly if It were to ever go away.
Even though from time to time he'd do things that frustrate me or that I couldn't understand...
..talking to him has always made me happy.
But it seems as if for him, I am just a person that he uses to pass the time.
Nothing that I am not already used to.
For the longest I kept asking myself why I continue to speak with him after all this.
People have told me "You must love this dude. Because if he'd done all this stuff with me I would've quit talking to him a long time ago!!"
But rest assured it is not love, as I do not fall in love this easily or quickly.
I've only had one boyfriend, and I can count on one hand how many real crushes I've had in my life.
So if anything, this would be strong infatuation, I suppose.
But even still, I continued pondering that question among myself.
Then I came across this entry in my diary, marked December 20th, 2008.
It described how I ended my first relationship with my ex Su Chiang. This relationship was long distance, and my sister was getting married around that time:
"So on April 11, 2007, we met. November 13 we became a couple. And on December 7th, 2008...we broke up.
I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later, though. But the way it happened isn't really the way I was hoping it would. December 7th was a Saturday, and since he had gone back to being hot and cold as usual, I decided to give him time to make the decision himself on whether or not he wanted to keep going with the relationship. So that Saturday night, on the phone, he gave me his answer and we broke up.
The next morning I woke up, feeling that same achey feeling in my chest like I did that time, when I dreamt about him. That day, which was Sunday, we had to go back to Schaumburg to get my sister's dress. I almost didn't go, but I decided to go anyway. While we were on the road, Su called me and asked if I wanted to meet up. I told him flat out, that I didn't really see the point of it, and he told me to call him back if I wanted to. I really didn't want to, but I knew not seeing him in person once more for the last time would hurt both of us, so I called him back and told him to meet me there.
When we met up at the bridal store, we sorta walked around outside while my mom and sister were inside. It was so grey outside, and snow was falling softly. While we were talking, I kinda made a sarcastic comment in reference to something he'd said on the phone the previous night, and that's when it happened - - he pulled me over close to him and held me. Hugging me and squeezing me tight, almost like he didn't want to ever let go. I was kinda shocked at first, and didn't know how to take it, but he'd let go and then hug some more, and I liked it.
But I had no choice but to push him away at times, because before he hugged me, I was alright. I mean, I was sill a bit hurt inside, but after he hugged me - - I didn't want him to let go either.
But I had to suppress that, because of my pride I couldn't tell him how badly I didn't want this to end. So instead of hugging back tighter, I pushed him away. And I couldn't look at his face because if I had, I may have gotten teary eyed. But instead, I said "Why would I want to look into the face of a liar, someone who doesn't care about me?" when he asked why I didn't look at him.
So then he totally flipped and basically just walked away from me. Got into his car and drove off. I felt horrible and on the verge of tears for the rest of the day. I called him that same night to ask why he walked away so abruptly, but he seemed too tense to even talk about it, so I just hung up and cried a little that night.
So...that's basically how we broke up, lol. Definately not the way I wanted to, that's for sure.
I'll admit, I miss him still. Just a little bit. I looked forward to knowing he'd call me each day, more than once usually. I loved hearing his voice and when he held me - - *sigh*. I just keep replaying that moment over and over in my head, something I never want to forget. That was the first time any guy had ever held me that way, and I liked it a lot. It's really sad, when an 18 year old girl isn't used to being held by someone of the opposite sex.
As for now, I think I'd like to be alone and by myself for a while. One thing that I've learned from all this is that I am not lowering my
standards for anyone else anymore. So who knows, one day I might be ready to be with someone. But at this point, I don't want a boyfriend, I don't even want to associate myself with my so-called "friends". I just want to be totally alone for a while. All I need is God, my family, my music and myself, and I'll be good for a while. The next t person I meet, I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure we don't drift away from one another...."
And out of this entire diary entry, written when I was 18, those last two bolded sentences spoke to me.
For a long time I kept my promise to myself.
I was alone and by myself for a while. And I was okay.
But then I got that job. And then that summer came along. And then he came along.
And now, it all comes together.....
I'm doing everything in my power to make sure the two of us won't drift away from one another.
I didn't realize that this is what I was doing, until after I dipped into my past. And now I realize why I'm doing it.
It's like I said before. We don't have to be in a relationship.
But I don't want anyone else that I like being around to walk out of my life anymore.
Now I guess the final decision will be made by him this time.
For those who may regularly read this blog....I'm sorry.
It is extremely gloomy and I really don't want to be so dark and melancholy in all of my entries.
But I am trying. I'm trying to stay positive and look on the bright side but it is difficult sometimes.
Besides this, A lot more things have been going on in my life lately.
I'm strong and I've been through a lot worse, so I know I'll get through these things eventually too.
But I am definately trying. Believe me! There is not one point in my life of which I'm not. =p
Even in the midst of all this darkness, something deep down inside me is telling me everything will be alright. =D
Aaaand with that....I suppose I'll end this now.
I am hungry and have other things to attend to.
Yakisoba is calling to me...I can hear it. lol. =p
-Nanichan♥
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| All hail J music!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^_^♥♥ |
[05 Apr 2010|01:00pm] |
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I'm back again. =]
Currently babysitting on my day off...so I will quickly update. ;)
Omg. I've been listening to J-music for quite a while now. And it just seems as if every year it gets better and better and better!!
The lyrics in Asian songs are so deep, real and raw. I LOVE that.
I find myself relating to the lyrics in Asian songs a lot more than the lyrics of English ones...mainly because they are much less superficial.
I have the band Straightener to thank for introducing me to three of my current favorite songs right now.
The first is by Straightener themselves. It's called "Man-like Creatures" and it's from their recently released album "Creatures".
Atsushi Horie (the lead) is so cute in the video. ♥
Lately he and Nocchi from Perfume have been in some hot water, but I think everyone should just chill on that.....mainly because I like both Perfume and Straightener, and Nocchi is an adult so she should be able to do what she wants! =p
Anyway, here is the vid (english subs included):
And I love how the drummers hair is all throughout his face, lol. =p
Then thanks to them, I was led to Asian Kung-Fu Generation of whom I'd heard a bunch about.
Years ago I listened to their song "Loop & Loop" of which I liked, but then I completely forgot about them for a while. =[
Now I've gotten back into them, and they are my favorite band along with Straightener.♥
Masafumi Gotoh is cute too. LOL =p
This is their song "Solanin". It's for a movie coming out in Japan (staring my girl Miyazaki Ai, might I add xDD) of the same titled, based on a graphic novel. (Subs included):
And lastly, thanks to Straightener once again, I was introduced to a new band.
On their cd "Creatures" there was a song called "clammbon Inazea".
I thought to myself...."what the heck is a clammbon?" Especially since when he sings it, it sounds like he's saying crambone. ROFL.
So of course I took it upon myself to look it up, and I discovered Clammbon is a trio band, and they've been around for quite a while.
The vocalist is a female this time. They are highly respected in Japan, it seems. ^_^
This is their song "Time Limit".
I think it might be a different version, since on the album it's called "Re-Time Limit". o_O
The singer's voice is a bit hard to get used to at first....at least in my opinion it was. But this song really touched me!!!
There were no translations so I will post the lyrics below the video:
English Translation (From http://clammbon.metalbat.com/2006/02/time_limit.html ):
I had meant to be just a little bit stronger than other people
But that was the wrong idea
What you said to me really hurt
But I guess it was exactly right
know, I can't pretend I've turned completely around
It's hard to swallow those piercing words, but
Time cruelly takes the things left unsaid,
The things we couldn't do, leaves them behind, and goes on
The time limit to give an answer, has almost been reached
It's hard to understand one another
I know, even if I'm shaken up I'll be myself again
Those words that caught me up are hurting a little bit, but
Time cruelly takes the things you said,
The things you did, and leaves them there
Give me a phrase that can put this into words
Give me a phrase that can put this well
If I stood on my head would I do any better?
If I could ever swallow the words that bounce back at me...
If time were to suddenly stop
There are things we could have re-said, things we could have re-done, but
We're about to reach the time limit
Until there's a phrase that can put this into words...
----------------------------------
Ahhh. Such amazing lyrics!! I love it!!!♥
I think that out of all three of them that "Time Limit" is certainly my most favorite.
Those lyrics describe my current situation now, with the person I have feelings for, as well as every other situation of my life of which I hit a snag or issue with a person, and tried so hard to make it work.
The first time I read the lyrics I even got teary-eyed lol!!
Blaaaaahs. Emo me. =p
Anyway, hopefully I've given you all some new music to check out. ^____^
Totally random but I am literally about to burst open with joy when my new shoes get here from rakuten!!!!
I got the pink ones from Yumetenbo @ rakuten plaza.
^^That's lovely Rina Sakurai (sakurina) wearing them.
They're gonna come just in time for the warm weather!!! ^_^
I will feel like such a hime in them. =]
Mmmm I think I kinda want this dress from Yumetenbo as well:
The one on the far left is sooooooo preeeeeety.....*drools*
I've gotta stop all this online shopping T____T
Well then, if this isn't the most random blog entry ...haha.
Ah well...my life is random sometimes. ^_^
-Nanichan♥
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| Untouchable Dreams... |
[22 Mar 2010|04:13pm] |
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Ahhhh.....
Back again.
*sigh* Not much to say this time around.
Life has really got me thinkin' lately.
I'll be turning 20 on June 19, 2010.
And although I find myself ready for the future, I still think about my past...
..some elements of it continue to haunt me, I suppose.
I remember when I was 8, I first fell in love with the Asian writing style.
When I was 10, I first fell in love with Hello Kitty.
When I was 11, first began teaching myself Japanese.
When I was 12, first got into Japanese music.
When I was 14, developed my first crush on an Asian dude. (Ken Kitamura of L'arc En Ciel to be exact. I still like him now, by the way. ♥)
When I was 15, met my very best friend Malisa, the first person I met who shared the same interest in Asian culture as I did. (I guess her being Asian could've influenced that too, but still. lol)
When I was 16, tried pocky for the first time. (Thanks again to Mali-chan...the flavor was strawberry!♥)
When I was 16, developed a very strong crush on Domoto Tsuyoshi of which to this day is still going strong, thanks again to Malisa for showing me that "Harmony of December" video by KinKi Kids....Tsuyo-chan is so cute in that video!!!!!
lol haha...just half of a time line that shows how long I've been in love with Japan.
It's been my dream and entire life goal to visit Japan one day since I was 11 years old.
I am currently saving up to do so, but sometimes I wonder if that dream will ever even come true.
I mainly want to visit Tokyo, Osaka, Okinawa and Kyoto, but after seeing this huge Ferris wheel in Yokohama, I want to go there now too!:
  It's sooo beautiful to me. I love the way it looks at night.
I am deathly afraid of heights, and I believe you can see the entire city of Yokohama from that Ferris Wheel.
But even still, my dream is to be on there at night someday. One day, hopefully.
Mmm...I notice that March seems to have been somewhat of a rough month for me, emotionally.
I just can't help but think about certain things from the past, even though I really want to let go of them.
Malisa and I barely talk to one another anymore, but I don't know what happened and she won't answer any of my texts. But I miss her a lot.
I don't know why, but it seems like people come into my life and they don't stay too long.
The people I've cared about end up turning on me eventually, even online.
I remember I used to have so many e-buddies I'd talk to, now I only have 2.
There's one in particular of whom I'm glad I don't speak with anymore, but at the same time I still have trouble figuring out why she grew to dislike me in the first place. *shrugs*
I once had someone tell me recently that they feel as if they don't fit in anywhere.
It made me wonder about myself a little.
How at the current moment, my social life seems to have hit a peak, when just a few years back I was barely noticed by anyone.
And how regardless of all this socializing...for some unexplanable reason...I still feel alone, misunderstood and as if I fit in nowhere.
Even around groups of people that I like and have fun with..I always feel this way.
Ah, the feeling I've known the longest. But I'm tired of knowing it.
Even with the new person I've become I thought that I might've been able to defeat this demon of mine. But it's a stubborn little thing, so it'll take a lot of effort.
It all comes in waves, I've noticed.
And I guess I'm just a little afraid that once this wave subsides, that the demon that's still lingering around me will try it's hardest to turn me back into that person that I used to be a few years back.
Even as recently as when I started the job I'm currently at...I was hurting so much when I arrived there. Even though I was in the process of becoming the new me, that very same demon that's still lingering around now was trying to eat me alive.
Needless to say that's not a place I ever want to be in again in my life.
The Kiana from a few years back is dead and gone, hopefully never to return.
I suppose I shall end this random entry here.
Oh! But how could I forget, before I go....NUJABES DIED!!!!
*cries uncontrollably*
Yeah, I know I'm sorta late, lol. =p
But I just found out the other day.
This really blows because he is one of my most FAVORITE Japanese music composers.
He put a lot of Jazz, R&B and hip hop influences into his work.
He did a lot of work with rapper Shing02, and composed most of the music for my most favorite anime, Samurai Champloo.
He died via car accident, and he was only 36 years old.
He will truly be missed. The good one's always die young!!! <=[
Here is some of his work that I absolutely must share with everyone.
These are his songs Kumomi, Counting Stars, and my most favorite, Mistyline.
I've got my mom jammin' to him now, too. lol..:
-Nanichan♥
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| An update, finally. ただいま！＾。＾ |
[15 Mar 2010|01:52pm] |
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Okay, so I've finally gotten around to updating this thing.
Sheesh! I feel so horrible letting it go this long without an update!!!
I have been extremely busy with work, trying to get my license, social events and plenty of personal issues lately, so I took a bit of a haitus from this blog, as well as my personal diary of which I haven't updated in months.
Gyah!! I feel horrible. I am a writer!! How can I let something like this happen??
*sigh* Life gets you side-tracked, I suppose.
I have always been a fashionable person, but within the past few years I notice my style has changed a lot.
I am a lot more girly than I used to be. I kinda sorta always have been, just a little, but I never really went all out and crazy with it.
Now that I'm approaching age 20 in June, I feel so much more confident in myself. There are things that I wear now that I would've never had the confidence to wear back when I was much younger, so I've come such a long way.
I just can't help myself. I love cute, pretty, girly, adorable and super kawaii things!! I am a self proclaimed princess.
A lot of my stuff that I wear now is inspired by Japanese Gyaru fashion. I love how I can wear clothes and accessories that no one else has here in my city!!
So I guess that's something in my life I can finally feel happy about. I can finally be myself, without having to worry about what others will think or say.
Even still, there is always someone who will hate you for being yourself. An extremely annoying girl that I work with, who seems to have a real problem with how "girly" I am, seems to look down on my choice of fashion by saying that I am "too girly" and even "ditsy". Luckily for her, I am not allowed to slap people at my place of work, because if I were.....whoooo, you'd better believe I'd try to!!
I wear a lot of pink, bows, cutesy things, and this person seems to confuse being a girly girl with being ditsy.
She also seems to look down on me because I am not in school currently....like she is.
Meanwhile, what she and many others may fail to realize is that while I may not be in school currently, I can guarantee that I am a lot more educated than those who have five degrees.
This girl alone is a perfect example of that, by the way she confuses "girly" with being "ditsy".
But it's cool. I don't really waste my time trying to correct her or change her opinion, because she is entitled to one and frankly I couldn't give half a crap of what she or anyone else has to say about my fashion style.
Psh, I've been interested in Kawaii culture and fashion for years. Do you really think I'm about to give all of that up now, because of someone else's disapproval...someone of whom I don't even give a crap about?
Nevertheless...constantly hearing her voice her unneeded ineffective opinion gets quite annoying after a while. About the only thing I'd ever feel like saying is "Your opinion isn't gonna change anything in regards to me so you should really quit wasting all that hot air."
Ah, well at least I haven't had to work with her in a while. LOL.
Anyhoo, I get more who appreciate and admire my style than hate on it..but the ones who hate just seem jealous anyway, so boohoo for them.
stereotypes like that should be squashed, as this is who I am and my style will never change.ギャルファションッの永遠！
So while style may not be something I've been struggling with, other things in my life I am.
I still am not too sure what I want to do with myself. I will have been in retail for a year in April, and I can feel a change coming. I'm just not sure what type of change it will be....
....all I can do is pray, and keep my fingers crossed I suppose.
With guys I'm in the middle of a dilemma as well.
At the moment, I am not interested in being in a relationship with anyone at all. I just want to go back to being alone for a while.
Problem is that there are two guys who are still in the picture.
Guy #1 I am trying to rid my feelings of, because I still have feelings for him.
But since he often is very vague and shows no emotion other than mixed signals, I am considering on kinda just telling him that maybe we shouldn't speak to him anymore.
Even though I really don't want to do that, and it'll be difficult to do that anyway since we work with one another.
But it's something I feel like I have to do, because I still have feelings for him and he does not feel the same way as I do.
The only way my feelings for him will go away is if we ended all contact.
Then there is guy #2.
This person I've only been talking to for a short amount of time, and he seems nice.
Always complimenting me, saying nice things about me. Always open so I never have to guess or try to figure out how he feels about me.
(Although at times I worry that he's gotten way too attatched too quickly, since I've already told him how I am not interested in a relationship right now... lol)
I guess that would be the main issue with him.
That, and his current situation is almost uncanningly similar to that of my ex-boyfriend's situation when we were dating. I definately do not want to deal with anything like that again. T_T
But nevertheless...I don't really want a relationship with either one right now. Relationships take a lot of work, effort, commitment and patience, and I'd like to use all of that energy toward bettering myself and my own life first.
So now , for the sake of my own contentment, a decision has to be made. It's now or never, do or die!
WAIT! I kinda take that back. lol.
I am not going to lie. I would like to be in a relationship with guy #1.
Only because I still have slight feelings for him.
But he has already shown to me what kind of person he is, and I don't feel as if he'd put any effort to make it work.
So maybe it's best that we'd just leave it alone.
Sometimes just because you like someone doesn't mean the two of you should be together, I suppose.
Spring is on it's way!!
I am going to try to find out where the cherry blossom trees are here in Wisconsin so I can go see them.
I've always wanted to see them up close, instead of just in photos and on tv all the time.
When I do, I'll be sure to post plenty of pictures on my flickr!!
(You can bookmark my flickr if you like, btw: http://www.flickr.com/ayumuro_luv)
And now, I shall bid thee farewell. Temporarily of course.
Maybe I'll update again soon if I am not swamped with work.
Ah, a day in the life....
-Nanichan♥
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| One day. |
[30 Nov 2009|12:06pm] |
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One day, I'll find them. Someone who loves me, because I am me. Someone I'll love, because he is him The"someone just for me". ♥ |
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| When it all hits the fan. |
[23 Nov 2009|12:58pm] |
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Be careful when you think you've reached the end of the tunnel, because it's then that you realize you're even further behind than when you started.
After a night of which greatly upset me, I have decided that I'm going back to my original plan - - I think that I am going to be single for a while, and at this very moment I feel like that will suffice.
There is a reason why I don't like people, a reason why I avoid them as much as possible and have problems trusting them, and I was just reminded of that reason last night.
I promised myself last winter, that I will never give my time to anyone who doesn't care for me again.
Some people die with their hearts covered in dents but I'm putting my foot down and no one is putting any more dents on my heart this winter.
One of the worst things anyone can do is play me for a fool and think they've got me all figured out, because I'll be the first to let them know that they don't and never will.
So the decision has officially been made.
I don't have time for games or puzzles, and just being friends with someone that I have feelings for but will never have is just a waste of time and pointless IMO.
So as of today, the reigns are getting pulled back.
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| Frozen (poetry by yours truly.) |
[19 Nov 2009|01:09pm] |
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Frozen
 I remember those days in the past. Those days where we were smiling and laughing together. Holding me close to you as the snow fell lightly all around us. But now that season has returned. And I'm waking up from a violent dream on a tear-soaked pillow. Memories I thought had faded begin swirling all around me.... ...It's that same feeling.
I remember that day in the past.
That day where the cold wintery wind nearly froze my heart and cracked it.
I was left alone, abandoned in my own confusion.
But that same emotion is back again.
The feeling of heartache and helplessness.
The same question endlessly repeating in my head...
....it's that same feeling.
I remember just a moment ago.
That moment spent looking at photos of old friends who became lovers.
Watching couples gaze at holiday lights that mimick the irony of former events.
But then I pass a stray kitten on the street.
The most lovable thing yet no one will hold it in their arms.
Left to wander around aimlessly moaning in pain of why...
...it's that same feeling.
And then I remember just yesterday.
You smiled at me as I walked in, soaked in rain.
Saying that I was lovely nonetheless.
Words that touch my heart, even thought they could be empty.
We laugh together, hang out, talk for hours.
We relate and yet we debate, unintentionally letting my gaurd down.
Wanting only you to take my hand and we'll go to a place unknown.
But a darkness is still holding the two of us back...
...it's that same feeling.
That same hope...
That same dream...
That same beginning...
But if that day should come
Where we both reach that same ending
That ending where the wintery winds nearly consumed me alive
..would I be able to survive?
Maybe I'll be prepared this time.
Wearing unused gear from previous winters
Becoming immune to the biting chill as I face the snow storm once again.
But the future is always uncertain.
And this time the harsh elements
Might be just enough to leave me
Frozen.
-Written by Kiana M.
On 11/19/09
(COPYRIGHTED material. DO NOT post ANYWHERE without my permission!!)
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| Goals Goals Gooooals!~~~ |
[17 Nov 2009|05:07pm] |
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Goshers. I just realized something today. I have so many goals that I need, want and HAVE to accomplish...so many, almost like TOO many!!! In fact, I've compilled a list of such: ♥Financial Goals♥
++Buy Gothic & Lolita bible vol. 1 ++Buy new dvd player ++Buy Amuro Namie's new album in December ++Save up for Nintendo DS (pink) ++Save up for Dell Laptop computer (pink) ++Save up for New keyboard (one more similar to the professional kind) ++Save up for Guitar ++Save up for 2 Pullip dolls ++Eventually save for nintendo wii ♥Personal Goals♥
++Strengthen my relationship with God ++Start nail school ++Take driving coarse ++Take creative writing classes ++Take Japanese language coarse ++Take piano lessons (maybe) ++Try the 365 day project ++Look into modeling within my city ++Finish my writings ++Try circle lens!!! ++Try false eyelashes!!!! ++Baking more sweets ++Create my first deco item ++Learn to sew better >.< ++Eventually learn bento creation So much to do, and not nearly enough time to do it. Grrr! >_< Ah well. At least I know that I'll be kept busy for a while, and that my life isn't meaningless. ^^ Hmm.....I wonder which pullip doll should I buy first? I love the ageha one that was released, and she's soo cheap, not to mention only the most beautiful doll I've ever seen. My oh my, she'll look so glamorous sitting on my pretty white tabletop among the flowers!! I'm going to take loooads of pictures of her too.  Also, I might be buying the Gothic & Lolita Bible as well. I'm a bit skeptical of buying it since it's the english version released by Tokyopop. >_< Annnnd....tokyopop tends to ruin things from what I've heard. lol =p So I'm hoping my money will not go to waste, but something tells me it probably won't! :3  Also, I'm totally geeked about Amuro Namie's new album coming out on December 16th!! *jumps up and down and squeals like a crazy fangirl. I've loved the new songs she's released up til now - - "Wild", "Dr.", "My Love" and most recently, "Copy That", which is sheer FIRE. She's teamed up with Nao'ymt for the first two, which is one of my favorite music producers. I want to say that "Copy That" is produced by T.kura/Giant Swing, only because It sounds like Michico is singing in the background along with her, lol. =p But I'm not too sure yet....I guess I'll wait and see when it's released! xD  But yeah, that's about all that's going on with me lately. I'm still crushing on someone. One day the two of us will be like this:  One day~~ ^_^
Oh, before I go...Namie's new song:
Comment people, comment!!! :3
BTW....if anyone knows where I can find a really nice and small region free dvd player, PLLLEEEASE, let me know!!! kthanxbai.♥
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| Song #1 of THE "105 songs with lyrics that I ♥!!!!! xD" PROJECT OF '09: "Girasole" by 堂本剛 |
[16 Nov 2009|05:29pm] |
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With me being extremely busy with work, trying to go to school and making millions of decisions in just about every area of my life I haven't had time to update my poor poor blog. =[
But now, since I have a much needed day off, I've decided to update with the first entry of the song lyrics!! Hoooray!!!
These are lyrics to the song "Girasole" by one of my most favorite artists ever, Domoto Tsuyoshi. "Girasole" means "Sunflower" in Italian. I love the lyrics to this song so much, as well as the music and how Tsuyoshi-kun sings it with so much energy and strength, as if every word he sings describes his current mood. A truly amazing peice of art from a truly amazing artist! ^_~
My own interpretation: To me, it seems as if this song is about two people who went down a really rocky road at one point during their relationship, and now that they've gotten through all that the significant other seems to have lost her feelings to continue the relationship while the singer (i.e. tsuyoshi, lol) wants to forget about the past and move on. That's my own personal view of it, and that is also something I can relate to myself. *sigh* I always relate to this man's songs. ^_^
♥Information♥:
Name: Domoto Tsuyoshi
Also known as: ENDLICHERI ENDLICHERI, 244 Endli-x, 剛 紫
Age: 30
DOB: April 10th, 1979
Birthplace: Nara, Japan
Height: 5'6'' (Supposedly...I personally believe he might be 5'4''.)
Bloodtype: AB
Heritage: Asian (Japanese)
Occupation: Singer, Songwriter, Actor, Artist, Guitarist, Pianist, Dancer, Can draw, loves fishing...he basically does everything LOL
Associated with: Johnny's Entertainment, KinKi Kids, a ton of different tv dramas, Domoto Tsuyoshi no Shoujiki shindoi, Domoto Kyoudai
Official Website: http://tsuyoshi.in
So here is the translation, and the lyrics in their original Japanese language. I hope everyone can enjoy them! ♥
Girasole - 堂本剛 (Domoto Tsuyoshi)
(From the album "Rosso E Azzurro" released in 2002) (Verse 1)
Avoiding your attacks
An era spent on my knees
A sigh, you
pierce my heart
Bathed in the night wind
Spread your hands
Don't say things like you want to go somewhere
If you notice, it's already the third sunflower
Even the smell of the seasons (Chorus)
Let's forget about it and embrace each other
from now on
(Verse 2)
Exhausted lungs
A night left hanging
With this kiss
I can become stronger
I won't let society's accepted ideals
do as they like
Only you are allowed to manipulate me Isn't it wonderful, still the third sunflower
Even the tears of the seasons (Chorus)
Let's forget about it and embrace each other
from now on (Guitar Bridge) If you notice, it's already the third sunflower
Even the smell of the seasons (Chorus)
Let's forget about it and embrace each other
from now on
Let's forget about it and embrace each other
from now on
Let's forget about it and embrace each other
from now on
Let's forget about it and embrace each other
from now on
Japanese Kanji
肩すかし食らい
ひざまづく时代
溜息あなた様
胸に刺さる
夜风を浴びて
両手を広げ
何処かへ行きたいなんて言わないで
気づけばもう三度目向日葵
季节の匂いも
忘れて抱き合いましょう
この先も
くたびれた肺
ぶらさげたnight
このキッスで
あたし强くなれる
社会通念の
好きにはさせない
操作していいのはあなた様だけ
素敌ねまだ三度目向日葵
季节の涙も
忘れて抱き合いましょう
この先も
気づけばもう三度目向日葵
季节の匂いも
忘れて抱き合いましょう
この先も
忘れて抱き合いましょう
この先も
忘れて抱き合いましょう
この先も
忘れて抱き合いましょう
この先も
(Translation borrowed from http://www.papersnow.net/sessions)
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| Love and uber bitterness.... |
[29 Oct 2009|12:59pm] |
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mood |
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Ha, with an entry like this one is likely to think that I'm not crushing at all. (But I am..tee hee! =p)
But even still, these quotes are so true so I had to share them.
They go so well with my cynical and misanthrope-ish personality! =]
--------------------------------------------------------
I leave before being left. I decide. ~ Brigitte Bardot
There are no frigid women,
only clumsy men.
~ Anon
Man is the only animal who injures
his mate.
~ Ludovico Ariosto
(However....I read somewhere that female spiders eat the male ones after mating?? That's so gangsta. rofl)
Mother Teresa
Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible.
Anonymous
No matter how badly your heart is broken, the world does not stop for your grief.
I don't miss him, I miss who I thought he was.
~Anonymous
When you are in love and you get hurt, it’s like a cut... it will heal, but there will always be a scar.
~Anonymous
When I see you smile and know that it is not for me, that is when I will miss you the most.
~Anonymous
It’s better to have never felt the happiness of love than to be tortured by the pain of it ending. -Mike
Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes... just be an illusion. -Javan
Guys draw a straight line to a girl's heart with a crooked pencil. -Anonymous
... how many ways can one heart be mangled and still be expected to keep beating? -Anonymous
A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe and leaves before she is left." ~Marilyn Monroe
"Yes, there are a lot of fish in the sea, but I think there's a hole in my net." - Anonymous.
"True love is like Santa, you grow up believing in it then find out it just doesn't exist." -Anonymous
" You don't die from a broken heart.. you only wish you did." - Unknown
--------------------------------------- The first song of the top 105 song lyrics project will be posted on Sunday. (Because I work today, friday, and a halloween party to attend on saturday) So make sure you check back!! xDD
~Nani-chan♥
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| Introducing: THE "105 songs with lyrics that I ♥!!!!! xD" PROJECT OF '09. (by nani-chan...a.k.a. me) |
[25 Oct 2009|08:07pm] |
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mood |
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ええ！！みんなさんこんばんは.
ナーニチャンです. みんな元気かい？
Looks like nani-chan is back with another entry somehow! I don't know how I find the time to do all of these things. I guess I just amaze even myself. ^_~
Anyhoo, after many hours of contemplation and very serious thinking, I've compiled a list of 105 songs of which have lyrics that touch me somehow. Either I can relate to them or have related to them, or they just describe situations I've been through.
One thing I love so much about music is how it touches you in places where it seems as if nothing else can touch you. The majority of these songs have given me chills, left me emotional and maybe even with tears in my eyes after thinking about the lyrics deeply.
So right now, I'm going to post the entire list up here of all 105 songs, and whenever I have a chance I'll post up the lyrics of each song in an entry until I've gone through all 105.
Not only will I post up the lyrics, but also information about the artist, a picture of the artist and links as to where you can listen to the song and/or watch the video. Also, if the song happens to be in another language other than english, I will happily post up the lyrics in it's original language as well as an english translation as well, so that everyone will be able to understand. I'm calling it "THE '105 SONGS WITH LYRICS THAT I ♥!!!! XD' PROJECT OF '09." Simple enough title, I guess! xD
Why am I doing this, you ask? Some people listen to music only because of the melody, but with me being a writer I see so much beauty in the lyrics and composition of a song. It's something that I want to share with others, because then maybe they can see the beauty in it too. ^_^
So here goes, 105 songs with lyrics that I ♥, in no particular order. These songs have been chosen based solely on the lyrics, however I adore the music and the artists singing them as well. (If there is more than one heart symbol by the title, that means I REALLY love the song lyrics. =])
1. GIRASOLE - 堂本剛
2. 濡れ鼠 - ENDLICHERI☆ENDLICHERI ♥
3. Man ~あなたの宇宙に生きていたい~ - ENDLICHERI☆ENDLICHERI ♥♥
4. 心の恋人 - 堂本剛 ♥♥
5. 闇食いwind - ENDLICHERI☆ENDLICHERI
6. 孤独な詩 素敵な詩 - 剛 紫
7. 雨愛詩 - 剛 紫
8. Woman ~あなたの宇宙に生きていたい~ - ENDLICHERI☆ENDLICHERI ♥♥
9. 空が泣くから - ENDLICHERI☆ENDLICHERI ♥♥♥
10. Prisoner of Love - 宇多田ヒカル
11. Breath - 堂本剛 ♥
12. Ordinary - Lena Park
13. Orange - 堂本剛
14. 停電の夜には - KinKi Kids ♥
15. Together When... - 浜崎あゆみ
16. Because of You - 浜崎あゆみ ♥♥
17. Teddy Bear - 浜崎あゆみ ♥
18. Memorial Address - 浜崎あゆみ ♥♥
19. A song for xx - 浜崎あゆみ ♥♥
20. (miss)understood - 浜崎あゆみ
21. Glua - NOLOGO
22. CAROLS - 浜崎あゆみ
23. JEWEL - 浜崎あゆみ ♥
24. Lightening - STRAIGHTENER ♥
25. キセキ - GReeeeN
26. Dearest - 浜崎あゆみ
27. さよなら - Gackt ♥♥
28. いつかのmerry christmas - B'z ♥♥
29. Spider - Capsule
30. And I Love You - Mr. Children
31. 百年の恋 - 堂本剛/KinKi Kids
32. In My Dreams - Dream
33. Love and I - Tamia ♥♥
34. Love - Musiq Soulchild ♥
35. Lying From You - Linkin Park
36. Boulevard of Broken Dreams - Green Day ♥♥♥
37. The Little Things - Colbie Callait
38. Trouble Sleeping - Corrine Bailey Rae
39. Somebody to Love - Queen
40. Sleeping Sickness - City and Colour
41. Violet Hill - Coldplay ♥
42. The Scientist - Coldplay
43. Bulletproof - La roux
44. Gone Away - Lucy Swartz
45. Day n' Night - Kid Cudi
46. Help Me Help Me... - 244 ENDLI-x ♥
47. 春涙 - 244 ENDLI-x ♥
48. Sakura Drops - 宇多田ヒカル ♥♥
49. Passion - 宇多田ヒカル
50. Tokyo Nights - 宇多田ヒカル ♥
51. Play Ball - 宇多田ヒカル
52. Final Distance - 宇多田ヒカル
53. Simple and Clean - 宇多田ヒカル
54. Rainbow - 浜崎あゆみ
55. 大好きだよ - 大塚愛 ♥
56. Space Halo - Olivia
57. できない - Olivia ♥♥
58. Crystalline - Olivia
59. Fly Me to The Moon - 宇多田ヒカル
60. 君を探してた - Chemistry ♥
61. Boyfriend II - Crystal Kay
62. M - 浜崎あゆみ
63. Should I love him? - 安室奈美恵
64. luv(sic) pt. 1 - Shing02
65. Alone in our Castle - Olivia ♥
66. Harmony of December - Kinki Kids
67. Alone - B'z ♥
68.月光 - B'z
69. 心のブッラインド - 堂本剛
70. 願い - B'z ♥
71. Time - B'z ♥
72. Cupid - Olivia ♥
73. Dreaming with a Broken Heart - John Mayer
74. Ordinary People - John Legend
75. Prodigal - OneRepublic
76. Apologize - OneRepublic
77. Apathy - OneRepublic
78. Come Home - OneRepublic
79. Stop and Stare - OneRepublic
80. All I need (Just Say) - OneRepublic
81. Digital Love - Daft Punk
82. Do You Want me? - Hilary Duff
83. James Dean - Hilary Duff
84. Weird - Hilary Duff
85. Cry - Hilary Duff
86. It's so Hard to say goodbye to Yesterday - Boyz II Men ♥
87. About You - 浜崎あゆみ
88. Take Me Away - Avril Lavigne
89. Together - Avril Lavigne
90. My Happy Ending - Avril Lavigne
91. Nobody's Home - Avril Lavigne ♥
92. Forgotten - Avril Lavigne
93. Numb - Linkin Park
94. About Me - Utada ♥
95. Kremlin Dusk - Utada
96. 虹色Bus - 宇多田ヒカル
97. One Night Magic - 宇多田ヒカル
98. Keep Tryin' - 宇多田ヒカル
99. I am - Hilary Duff ♥♥♥
100. - Drops of Jupiter - Train
101. My Name's Women - 浜崎あゆみ
102. Hide Away - Hilary Duff
103. Pretty Wings - Maxwell ♥
104. 星の砂 - Gackt ♥
105. Pink Spider - Hide
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| ....and it's like I'm floating away on cloud nine.♥ |
[05 Oct 2009|02:05pm] |
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mood |
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 indescribable |
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Just floating away, up into the sky.
Hoping that I'm not floating up there alone. Hoping that I won't go crashing through the cloud somehow.
My heart has been fluttering lately. =]
Liking someone creates so many intense emotions.
I never thought I would meet someone like the person I've met recently.
And we didn't meet online. And I never beleived someone like this could exist.
Talking every night, for hours at a time.
He's said so many nice things about me.
I can't even remember the last time I've felt this way about someone.
I can't even remember the last time I've wanted to let my gaurd down, just a little.
The first time any guy has made me feel like I can be myself around them.
The first time a guy has even seemed to accept me. In all honesty, my ex never came close.
The first time in a long time that I've had a real conversation with someone of the opposite sex.
But I'm still a little afraid. The cloud of uncertainty is still hovering above me.
A part of me still feels like I should hold back. A part of me still feels like they won't be accepted, but rejected as usual.
That's my own natural born gloominess kicking in.
Before I met this person, I was so hurt.
You all know how hurt I was. You all know how cynical, pessimistic and lonely I was.
You all knew my confusion and darkness.
It was so prevalent in my rants about Asian men and White women and race....3 things that I barely even care about anymore.
You all knew my pain. Even when I refused to acknowledge it myself, you all could see it.
And before I came to know a little about this person, my pain was so fresh and new.
Trapped for so long within my own solitary cold and dark black hole, with no trace of light or hope.
But then I met them, and just a little bit of light shinned through.
Maybe I'm a little less hurt.
Maybe I'm a little less angry.
Maybe I'm a little less lonely.
Maybe.
I'm still my same old cynical, misanthrope self of course.
But even though we're not even in a relationship yet, maybe now I can smile just a little bit more. Just a little bit.
But then the fear kicks in too.
That's what's hard about liking someone. If things should ever change, I don't want to go back to being that person.
I don't want to go back to being that hurt and scared girl who couldn't trust anyone.
That angry and lonely girl who felt unwanted and poured it out in all of her rants.
I don't want to go back to being that person again, and I feel like I just might.
But at the same time......I've never met anyone like this guy before.
So if nothing comes out of the two of us, maybe I can still stay the same.
And then there was what was happening around this time last year.
Something gloomy always seems to happen to me in the fall/winter time. =/
But I remember I met someone who made me feel the same way.
Someone who waited right good until I had developed intense feelings for them before deciding that they didn't want me anymore.
The two of us barely lasted.
Will it be deja vu now, with this person?
I haven't really told him how I feel yet. Maybe given little hints, but nothing clear. He knows that I am shy and don't always say what I'm thinking.
Sometimes I think about it, because I feel like he might like me a little as well. But I just want to be sure before I do or say anything.
I may not be as hurt as I was before, but I still can't stand rejection. It'll just re-open all of my wounds that are still trying to heal.
So for now, I'm just continueing on. Our situation is still a bit difficult, and I don't want to make him uncomfortable by telling him how I feel if he doesn't feel the same way.
However, something inside me tells me he does. I hope I am not being fooled by trickery. ♥
Either way, I can't help my feelings. I told myself that something like this should never happen, but it looks like it already has.
After all, I don't flirt or stay up into the early morning talking with just anyone. =]
If you notice some of my old blogs taken down, it's because I'm in the process of becoming a new person now.
So many rants in this blog that used to matter, just don't seem to matter anymore.
I guess it's just amazing what infatuation will do!
That'll be all for now.
I need to go and ask God to help me keep my sanity while I'm drowning in this infatuation......
-nanichan♥
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| Wooooooow!!!! |
[29 Aug 2009|10:51pm] |
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mood |
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 giddy |
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OMG!! I haven't been online since forever.
My pc crashed because of my idiot brother, but it's fixed now. Hooray Hooray!!
And for the first time in my life...I actually don't have much to say in this blog right now. ^__^
Because.....I like someone. I like someone A LOT. ^___^
And he isn't an Asian guy.
He is the same race as I am, and it's the very first time I've ever had a crush on someone of the same race as me.
*Long dreamy sigh* ^____^
I don't know how to go about telling him though. The situation is a bit strange and difficult. O_O
But I like him. I really do!!! <3<3<3
<3<3
I've had a lot of time to think with my computer being away, and I've made a lot of decisions.
I'm trying to stop harping on the fact that so many Asian men aren't open minded, and I've begun to accept that too many, sorry to say it, are losers because of reasons that have nothing to do with society's stereotypes.
(NOT all, just some.)
I've gotten rid of people who bring me down and insist on thinking I'm phony simply because of their own jealousy and insecurities. I don't need people in my life who don't support me.
I'm letting go of a few things, it's easier to live life that way.
And obviously with me having a crush on a black guy I've decided not to wait any longer on Asian men anymore. It's a train that will never arrive, and waiting is a waste of time.
Irregardless of that, not one opinion in my "Asian men and the White women they Adore" blog has changed. Regardless of whom I end up with, I will always feel the way I felt when I wrote that blog. So if you were looking for an apology, you won't find it here!! =p
Anyway, that's all for now. It's late and I'm off to sleep.
Hopefully to have sweet dreams about the guy I like.....<3
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